Robbery at St. John’s
On Friday Dec. 12th St. John’s Church was robbed by an unknown man in his late twenties. Father Kelly, the parish priest is quoted as saying, “He is a mad man. He tied us with rope then stole a very expensive set of silver and gold used to serve the Lord’s Supper.” Mrs. Halstead, the church secretary says, “He wanted our bank account information too.” Both the priest and secretary were found by a loyal worshiper prior to Friday evening services. If you have information as to the location of this valuable silver and gold serving set, or the identity of the alleged perpetrator, please contact St. John’s Church or the Miami Police Department.
The suspect is described by Father Kelly “as having short, dark hair with a slim build and bushy eyebrows over brown eyes. Wearing plain blue denim jeans, showing a bit of wear. He wore a white button-up long-sleeved cotton shirt under a black blazer with pads on the elbows. His belt buckle was a Star of David. He also had nice shoes.”
Suspected Gang Hideout Raided
Miami Fl– December 15th
On the evening of December 12th, Police officers discovered what was supposed to be a gang’s hideout, the Teeth. Upon entering the small apartment, police find the remains of 4 men. “The men were apparently, butchered with appears to be a knife and then some of their internal organs were missing or chewed up,” reported Lt. Smith. The police had been followed up on a complaint of loud yelling and screams from a neighbor. They had discovered the apartment was leased to Carlos Sanchez, alias Chas. His body was not recovered. He is considered a suspect by the Police. Carlos Sanchez is reported to be the leader of the Teeth gang, who police report had been awfully quiet lately. The Teeth were known for surgically altering their teeth to sharp points and terrorized locals in the El-Portal.
Gator Runs Amuck Downtown
On Monday Dec 15 2008, A 16-foot alligator from deep within the Everglades entered into Little Havana at the intersection of SW 8th Street and SW First Avenue. Zana Bluewater was one of the first persons to encounter the reptile. She attempted to move the alligator back the Everglades with a combination of food and a staff. However, the creature would not be enticed back to its home with this particular combination and proceeded to devour a poodle by the name of, “Fifi”. At these antics, traffic came to a standstill and crowds began to gather.
Ms. Bluewater continued to attempt to herd the indifferent creature with the staff at which point it attacked the makeshift shepherds crook. A sword concealed within the staff was revealed after the animal’s assault. Ms. Bluewater used the weapon to dispatch the alligator. An unfortunate observer with a video camera came too close to the alligator and lost an arm as a result. Ms. Bluewater was able to injure the reptile which proceeded to rampage through the assembled crowd. A large number of people were injured in the process. The alligator finally expired after eliminating an offending car tire.
Police finally arrived on the scene and healthy bystanders helped to stabilize those observers injured by the now deceased alligator. After some time, police were able to control the crowd and medical services were called in to care for the wounded.
A Merry Xmas for All
Miami, FL — The charitable organizations of Miami had a bountiful Christmas this year, as many organizations and private citizens made generous donations. Citizens were particularly generous to the long-standing Gospel Ministries Homeless Shelter, located in Overtown, and Sankt Michaels Children’s Home in Civic Center.
Staff at Sankt Michaels stated that one of the most beneficial donations came from Kayleigh O’Malley (of Serenity in Key Biscayne), ballet dancer turned businesswoman. As well as a generous monetary donation, Ms. O’Malley volunteers there, teaching ballet to interested children. Thanks to Ms. O’Malley and others such as the Vittorio family, these underprivileged children had a very merry Christmas indeed.
Gospel Ministries, as well, received numerous monetary donations, as well as a food donation of enough turkeys that there were even leftovers for several days, according to staff.
The Miami Herald would like to extend its thanks to all those who support these and other charities, such as the Battered Women’s Shelter and Rape Crisis Center in Civic Center, and the Metro-Dade Animal Shelter on Tamiami Trail.
Fund for Alligator Victims Created
Miami, FL — On Monday, December 15, 2008, a sixteen-foot alligator rampaged through the streets of Little Havana, injuring bystanders, some severely, and causing tens of thousands of dollars in property damage. According to doctors at Jackson Memorial Hospital, all the victims are stable and well on their way to recovery, but many of them will have to undergo numerous plastic surgeries over the next several months or years to restore them to their former conditions, as well as physical therapy.
The Phoenix Corporation, a local business, has set up a fund for these victims, along with startup capital, in order to help pay medical expenses that insurance will not cover, and for those families having difficulty supporting themselves due to the bizarre attack. A spokesperson for the Phoenix Corporation urges other businesses and individuals to donate to the fund. Those interested can contact the Phoenix Corp. (OOC: +mail Andromeda)
Generous Donation Made to Local Church
Miami, FL — The robbery of St. John’s Church may have been a blessing in disguise. After silver and gold were stolen last week from the church, an unnamed donor gave the church a replacement set of silver and gold.
Father Kelly, the parish priest, says, “This set is much more lovely, made of pure gold and the finest silver. God does look after his own.” Standing near the new safe for this silver and gold, Father Kelly invited all to attend worship each Sunday to see the lovely new set and hear the word of God. While this reporter knows very little of such fine products, I do admit that set used to serve the Lord’s Supper is stunning. One church volunteer stated, “It does seem that God can take good from the hand’s of evil.”